Is It Worth It?

            Divorce rates have been increasing in the past twenty or so years. According to the website, Divorce After 50 Grows More Common in 1990, only one of ten of those 50 years or older were divorced. In 2011, rates increased to one in four of those 50 years or older have become divorced. That is quite the difference. I personally know many couples that are divorced or have been divorced in the past. The closest relative I have that has been in a divorce is my grandparents. When my mother was a senior in high school my grandparents decided to divorce. Since then, they both have been remarried and are still happy today. Also, my boyfriends parents have each had previous marriages and are now happily married. 

           There are several divorce facts on the website Why Couples Call it Quits.  I found it astonishing that the average couple spends 24 months and 12 days to decide to get a divorce. Two years! Imagine being unhappy day in and day out for two years. On top of that, 36% tried to force the marriage to work because they thought of a divorce as a personal failure. This means that 36% of people decided to stay unhappy to make themselves look better to everyone else. Also, 47% of people try to make their marriage work for their children. The way I look at it is, that it is not helping the children to watch their parents be unhappy in their marriage. Not only will it make for an unhappy household but in some cases the children can learn to disrespect their significant others by watching their parents. 

          Divorce happens for several different reasons. On the site, Why Couples Call it Quits, it states the top ten reasons for divorce. The number one reason is infidelity, second is being unhappy, third: arguing too much, fourth: fell out of love, fifth: did not communicate, six: wanted different things, seven: they changed, eight: did not feel like partners anymore, nine: abusive, and ten: money problems. Although I do not know the cause of all the divorces I have seen in the recent years, I feel like infidelity is the most common reason for divorce. I do think the reason for this is that men are cheating more often but rather that women are more independent. Although it is a fictional show, you can see in the television show "Mad Men" that cheating was very common in that era. 

        Recently, researchers have been able to determine seven variables in which they can predict the success or failure of a relationship. These variables are:

• Expression of fondness/affection
• Expression of negativity towards spouse
• Expressiveness vs. withdrawal
• We-ness and Seperateness 
• Level of traditional regarding gender roles
• How couple reported dealing with conflict
• Marital Disappointment or Disillusionist

With these variables, researchers can determine whether a couple will stay together or divorce with a 94% accuracy. This is incredible. People who do not know you can determine whether or not a couple will remain together based on seven variables. These variables can be seen at The Gottman Relationship Blog. 

          

        Gottman also stated ways in which couples can mend their relationship. The Gottman Institute provides nine tips in order to achieve a healthy relationship. These tips include building love maps, share fondness and admiration, turn towards each other, use positive prospectives, manage conflict, make life dreams come true, create shared meaning, trust and commitment. Out of these tips, which do you find most important? The website provides explanation of each tip. I find trust and commitment to be the most important in a relationship. Without trust, couples can not function as a true couple. Instead they will be constantly questioning their significant other. 

       Divorce can be very upsetting. At the same time, some couples should divorce much sooner than they do in order to protect their emotional health. Also, it is not healthy for children to watch their parents fight on a daily basis. If you're in a relationship where you have been unhappy for more than half the time, perhaps it is time to seriously consider the option of breaking up or divorcing your significant other. Unhappy relationships can cause a lot of unnecessary stress and emotional distress. So ask yourself, is it worth it?