Right of Wrong: That is the Question.

           Greedy. Disgusting. Selfish. Weird. Gross. Humans can be quite judgmental of situations that do not even involve them. Moral reasoning is a thought process that every human does throughout life. Lawrence Kohlberg, American psychologist, wrote what we now know as Kohlberg's stages of moral development. These stages consist of Pre-Conventional, Conventional and Post-Conventional. Pre-conventional are those who tend to avoid punishment and are very self-oriented. Those who are in the Conventional category conform to the social norms, are interpersonal and authority oriented. The final stage, Post-Conventional, individuals believe in following the social contract. These categories can be found at Lawrence Kohlberg's stages of moral development. Which category would you place yourself in? Of course, one is tempted to say Post-Conventional, but most individuals are not self-less enough to be placed in this categories. Two examples of individuals in the Post-Conventional category are Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi.

        What is the first word you think of at the thought of a brother and sister sleeping together? I am sure that it is along the lines of my first thought, "ew". In the scenario, created by Jon Haidt and discussed at What's the matter with a little brother/sister action? , there is a scene which two consenting siblings make love in France, where it is legal. Haidt asked individuals if they thought it was okay for the siblings to make love. Like I am sure you were just thinking, most individuals said "absolutely not". Yet, I would like for you to come up with a list of why not. Every reason you can come up with to justify why it is not okay has a reasonable answer to why it is okay. So I ask you this, why does this concern us in the first place? Why does it affect anyone beside themselves? This case reminds me of same-sex marriage. Those not saying the vows should not be eligible to pass judgement because it does not affect them at all.

        All morals have motives. We may not always be able to determine what the motive is or even agree with the motive but they are always there. This is one important detail in morality. Everyone must understand that people do not just perform acts for the heck of it. Almost always there is a moral fueling the action. Haidt discusses that even the terrorists involved in 9/11 had motives behind their moral decision to attack the United States. Haidt quotes "One of the most psychologically stupid things anyone ever said is that the 9/11 terrorists did this because they hate our freedom. That's just idiotic. Nobody says: "They're free over there. I hate that. I want to kill them." They did this because they hate us, they're angry at us for many reasons, and terrorism and violence are "moral" actions, by which I don't mean morally right, I mean morally motivated" (Haidt, 2001). I know it is difficult for Americans to open our minds to this thought. Yet, if the roles were reversed and we had terrorists attack their country, it would be easy for us to see the moral motive. 

       Haidt has also discovered that we quickly come up with conclusions and then later think of reasons to justify our conclusion. In Haidt's bizarre situations, like the scenario I discussed earlier about the brother and sister, the majority of people agree that it is wrong, they just can not come up with reasons why it is wrong. Many of our morals are derived from our societal beliefs or how we were raised. Going back to same-sex marriages, more commonly than not, those who are raised being told that it is wrong are going to be judgmental of same-sex marriages when they grow up. Another example would be the moral motive of those of oriental decent who commit suicide only because they have disgraced their family. We immediately conclude that this is over the top and odd. Yet, those who believe in this would consider strange that we do not follow suit.  

       The idea of right and wrong are different from person to person, yet in bizarre situations, majority of people agree with each other. Also, almost everybody judges others even if they are not even remotely involved. Humans are very quick to pass judgement. Subconsciously I can hear myself think, "wow, that's weird" or "Ew, what is she doing?" and who am I to judge? I can not even say I know what is going on in the situation I am observing. So, what gives me the right to judge the people involved in the situation? Who am I to say another person's actions are right or wrong? The answer is, I should not be able to make these judgments on others. 

Is It Worth It?

            Divorce rates have been increasing in the past twenty or so years. According to the website, Divorce After 50 Grows More Common in 1990, only one of ten of those 50 years or older were divorced. In 2011, rates increased to one in four of those 50 years or older have become divorced. That is quite the difference. I personally know many couples that are divorced or have been divorced in the past. The closest relative I have that has been in a divorce is my grandparents. When my mother was a senior in high school my grandparents decided to divorce. Since then, they both have been remarried and are still happy today. Also, my boyfriends parents have each had previous marriages and are now happily married. 

           There are several divorce facts on the website Why Couples Call it Quits.  I found it astonishing that the average couple spends 24 months and 12 days to decide to get a divorce. Two years! Imagine being unhappy day in and day out for two years. On top of that, 36% tried to force the marriage to work because they thought of a divorce as a personal failure. This means that 36% of people decided to stay unhappy to make themselves look better to everyone else. Also, 47% of people try to make their marriage work for their children. The way I look at it is, that it is not helping the children to watch their parents be unhappy in their marriage. Not only will it make for an unhappy household but in some cases the children can learn to disrespect their significant others by watching their parents. 

          Divorce happens for several different reasons. On the site, Why Couples Call it Quits, it states the top ten reasons for divorce. The number one reason is infidelity, second is being unhappy, third: arguing too much, fourth: fell out of love, fifth: did not communicate, six: wanted different things, seven: they changed, eight: did not feel like partners anymore, nine: abusive, and ten: money problems. Although I do not know the cause of all the divorces I have seen in the recent years, I feel like infidelity is the most common reason for divorce. I do think the reason for this is that men are cheating more often but rather that women are more independent. Although it is a fictional show, you can see in the television show "Mad Men" that cheating was very common in that era. 

        Recently, researchers have been able to determine seven variables in which they can predict the success or failure of a relationship. These variables are:

• Expression of fondness/affection
• Expression of negativity towards spouse
• Expressiveness vs. withdrawal
• We-ness and Seperateness 
• Level of traditional regarding gender roles
• How couple reported dealing with conflict
• Marital Disappointment or Disillusionist

With these variables, researchers can determine whether a couple will stay together or divorce with a 94% accuracy. This is incredible. People who do not know you can determine whether or not a couple will remain together based on seven variables. These variables can be seen at The Gottman Relationship Blog. 

          

        Gottman also stated ways in which couples can mend their relationship. The Gottman Institute provides nine tips in order to achieve a healthy relationship. These tips include building love maps, share fondness and admiration, turn towards each other, use positive prospectives, manage conflict, make life dreams come true, create shared meaning, trust and commitment. Out of these tips, which do you find most important? The website provides explanation of each tip. I find trust and commitment to be the most important in a relationship. Without trust, couples can not function as a true couple. Instead they will be constantly questioning their significant other. 

       Divorce can be very upsetting. At the same time, some couples should divorce much sooner than they do in order to protect their emotional health. Also, it is not healthy for children to watch their parents fight on a daily basis. If you're in a relationship where you have been unhappy for more than half the time, perhaps it is time to seriously consider the option of breaking up or divorcing your significant other. Unhappy relationships can cause a lot of unnecessary stress and emotional distress. So ask yourself, is it worth it?